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"If only you could take away your toxic behavior which is sabotaging our relationship, you would be my best friend in the world."- SZ.
Happy Women's History Month! (Inserts nervous laugh). By now, there's no denying the amount of challenges women have faced and overcome for ages. This entails breaking barriers, becoming the First Woman to accomplish a previously impossible task or even dominating the work environment. Some women would even go as far to say they've attained so much fortitude and tenacity, they don't NEED a man to assist with anything whether that be physical or emotional. A sentiment I both understand and dispute. However, let's shake the table a bit shall we? I remember being 13/14 years old, watching the Maury show (dont judge, we were all watching it) and hearing the words "absent father" and "deadbeat dad" thrown around every segment. Every single-mother I knew, had a horror story about her children's fathers. Including mine (which were valid might I add). Fast forward 10 years or so, after dating men with severe mommy issues and realizing I had some "strong woman" tendencies myself, I realized that toxic mothers... are a thing. They do exist. And boyyyyy are they out here.
You Didn't Raise Yourself Silly!
"Baumrind’s theory is that there is a close relationship between the type of parenting style and children’s behavior. Different styles of parenting can lead to different child development and child outcomes." (Parenting Styles) Now I know not every person in the world has trauma they need to work through, but the ones who do, do a hell of a good job dismissing it. Do you think you were born standoffish? Do you truly believe you came out the womb with trust issues or abandonment/attachment issues? Do you think your inability to feel safe around people is your fault?? Our generation is hell bent on appearing put together, so the idea of "getting to the roots" of our insecurities, feels tiresome. Irrelevant. Pointless. But that in itself is a response you were taught to create, even if indirectly. Who in your life convinced you that deep diving is tiresome? Irrelevant? Pointless? "While some children might receive enriched childhood experiences from parents who are responsive, caring, and attentive, other children might receive less attention and their parents might be distracted by worrying about money, work, or relationship issues. As you might imagine, such varying experiences can have a dramatic impact on how these children develop." (Experience and Development). Women often pride ourselves on our ability to obtain power, money and control but how often do we pride ourselves on sustaining a healthy household. And not just a strong one..
Time Out? or Imma Whoop Yo Ass When I Get Home?
"Authoritarian parenting is an extremely strict parenting style. It places high expectations on children with little responsiveness. As an authoritarian parent, you focus more on obedience, discipline, control rather than nurturing your child." I personally grew up "village style" with a pretty large, diverse family consisting of a multitude of cultures and parenting styles, so I was able to witness firsthand how different races and cultures approach parenting. Comedians have been explaining the cultural disparities in parenting styles for as long as I can remember, so there's no surprise when we hear that Black and Brown mothers can be a bit... tougher when raising their children. And I'm not talking "Clean your room and get home on time" tough. I'm talking "I don't have time for your feelings" tough. Studies show that authoritarian parenting is more commonly used by minority families."Any attempts to reason with them are seen as backtalk. These parents use stern discipline and often employ harsh punishment, such as corporal punishment, as a way to obtain behavioral control. Their disciplinary methods are coercive... and concerned with marking status..."
Authoritarian parents are unresponsive to their child’s needs and are generally not nurturing. They usually justify using mean treatment to toughen up their kids." (PS) This sound familiar? Speaking... or feeling... makes you weak? Should developing children be taught respect, manners and appropriate behaviors? Absolutely. I'm all for it. But there's a fine line between self expression and disrespect. They are not always entirely the same.
Black and Brown families typically also derive from collectivist cultures as opposed to an individualistic one. Some families wake up, and each member begins initiating their own life, their own work and their own intentions for the day. In a collectivist home or society, every member is expected to contribute in ways that benefits the immediate community. There is no "I". With this in mind, there can be a tendency in our mothers to rely on their children in a way that is neither conducive or beneficial as it relates to autonomy. We often see the teenage daughter who is the backbone of her family, or the son who bears the weight of a father figure, ultimately feeling solely responsible for their mothers well being. Mental and psychological health included. "Collectivist culture is characterized by prioritizing group solidarity over individual goals. It sees long-term relationships as important since it fosters the community’s objectives. On the other hand, individualistic culture focuses on human independence and freedom" (Difference Between) Another element that stood out to me were the studies that reiterate the concept of POC feeling compelled to raise their children to prioritize survival in the world, over exploring it. TRUST, that regardless of parenting approach, most minority parents are justified in this method, given the history. Apparently this also works out well in terms of external circumstances for minority children. But no so much for internal peace and security.
"African-American and Asian-American parents are more authoritarian in their parenting practices than are white parents... authoritarian parenting may have positive effects on ethnic minority children's psychosocial adjustment and, in particular, academic achievement... authoritarian parenting is not associated overall with positive adjustment." (PS)
Tough Cookies are Hard to Crack...
"... the role of mothers is still widely considered to be perhaps the most most important, especially in early childhood. Mommy issues can pop up for anyone who had a toxic, estranged, or even overly-doting relationship with their mother... Alternatively, mothers who remembered feeling overprotected and constantly entangled with their own mothers went on to form insecure or avoidant attachments with their own children. The same goes for moms who were dismissive or overly critical of their children." (VeryWellMind) If you're on social media these days, you know phrases like "breaking generational curses" are being tossed around like some sort of PUA check. Everyone wants to claim the role of reconstructing family trauma, but those that are actually doing it, didn't really get to choose. Breaking cycles is borderline excruciating to the psyche. Not everyone wants to, has access to, or feels supported in making necessary changes to the family dynamic. I am NOT one of those people who believes you need to tolerate or maintain family relationships that trigger you. I am however a complete advocate for those who had no control in their psychological upbringing or immediate environment. We often forget that our mothers, were little girls once too. With lovers, enemies, challenges, aspirations and fears.
Mommy Issues in Adult Children Can Look Like:
"For men, it can often be associated with the term "mama's boy"... this can happen when moms are super servile and instill in men a sense that this is how women should behave.
It can lead to men having expectations of such behavior in romantic relationships, and even seeking out female partners who check this box. It can also lead to them mentally pitting their romantic partners' attributes against their mother's.
If a female child has mommy issues, it's more typically referencing that a mother nitpicked or verbally put down their daughter. This can lead to self-confidence and self-image issues later in life. It can also lead to trust issues since the person that you trusted for your primary care let you down in this way." (VeryWellMind)
Being Strong is not the Only Thing to be Taught.
An athlete named Rebecca Roberts, who was bullied for her appearance and advocates for mental health now, lost her parents when she was just a child- living the rest of her life without their guidance. Last year, she physically became "The Strongest Woman on the Planet". I found this heavy because we often take pride in how "strong" we're raising our children to be. We take pride in burning bridges and not expressing vulnerability. We take pride in how we seemingly bury the pain, toxicity, manipulation, or even abandonment we face by our caregivers for the sake of "being the bigger person". To be "strong". However, you could be the strongest person on the planet, but it doesn't negate what has happened to you.. Mother or child.
Shoutout to the inner child who takes it day by day, finding family flaws and turning them into flowers. To the women who dedicate their lives to feeling safe or to motherhood and to the men who continue learning how to love women when their first couldn't love them correctly.
https://www.verywellmind.com/effects-of-collective-trauma-5071346
http://www.differencebetween.net/miscellaneous/difference-between-collectivist-and-individualistic-culture/
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